Pigs to be destroyed in President's effort to cleanse the environment
As part of his presidential memorandum to federally regulate gases blamed for global warming, President Obama has authorized the Environmental Protection Agency to begin the mass slaughtering of several million farm and stock pigs in the U.S.
According to a project time-frame created by the EPA, the enforced slaughtering will begin no later than spring of next year. Although the killing of over 3.5 million pigs and piglets will inevitably upset breeders, consumers of pork, grocery and market entrepreneurs and pig lovers alike, the President says scientifically gathered data shows that drastically cutting down on swine flatulence is necessary to the reduction of gases toxic to the climate.
White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney, stressed that the President is not insensitive to possible public outcries. "The President understands pork has long been a consumer favorite," Carney announced today. "This is why the President is asking Congress for approval of an additional 9.4 million dollars to subsidize the legume industry. Beans and peas, properly prepared, can be modified in such a way as taste just like pork, while retaining every bit of the fiber and other wholesome benefits of legumes, such as unmistakable odor and high quantities of Raffinose. As the First Lady points out, these measures will serve two benefits: first, keeping the planet healthy and secondly, helping ourselves to live healthy. And remember, the nutritive qualities of legumes was taught to us all way back in first grade, beans, beans, good for your heart, the more you eat the more you fart."
In addition to reducing swine flatulence, the President has authorized the EPA to institute a no-tolerance set of policies and penalties aimed at curbing human flatulence, which some ecology experts say are even more detrimental to the environment.
According to a project time-frame created by the EPA, the enforced slaughtering will begin no later than spring of next year. Although the killing of over 3.5 million pigs and piglets will inevitably upset breeders, consumers of pork, grocery and market entrepreneurs and pig lovers alike, the President says scientifically gathered data shows that drastically cutting down on swine flatulence is necessary to the reduction of gases toxic to the climate.
White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney, stressed that the President is not insensitive to possible public outcries. "The President understands pork has long been a consumer favorite," Carney announced today. "This is why the President is asking Congress for approval of an additional 9.4 million dollars to subsidize the legume industry. Beans and peas, properly prepared, can be modified in such a way as taste just like pork, while retaining every bit of the fiber and other wholesome benefits of legumes, such as unmistakable odor and high quantities of Raffinose. As the First Lady points out, these measures will serve two benefits: first, keeping the planet healthy and secondly, helping ourselves to live healthy. And remember, the nutritive qualities of legumes was taught to us all way back in first grade, beans, beans, good for your heart, the more you eat the more you fart."
In addition to reducing swine flatulence, the President has authorized the EPA to institute a no-tolerance set of policies and penalties aimed at curbing human flatulence, which some ecology experts say are even more detrimental to the environment.
