Local sports

Baseball
Beaver Valley Beavers defeated Finn City Flamingos 3-1

Tannevere Trolls won over Loxley Leprechauns 10-5

Happy Heights Potheads beat Cochran Cokeblowers 14-2

Womens baseball
Beaver Valley Splits slid over the Deluge City Tampons 14-13 in heated 9th inning.

Blow Darts
New Guinea Headhunters massacred the Beaver Valley Missionaries  144-2

Old Hippie Toss
Tannevere Bikers defeated the Metal Town Strummers 52-51

Southern Goodfellas won over the Terrence Heights Truckdrivers 60-49

National/international sports

Al Gore snatches the Golden SS

Al Gore today snatched the Golden Slithering Snake trophy from long-time rival, Prince Charles of Britain.

In a race that was nose-to-nose, Gore beat Charles to the punch for adamantly and without any credit to the sun or ordinary global shifts to blame the heat wave currently embroiling the western U.S. on man-made climate changes. The Golden SS was presented to Mr. Gore by the United Nations. In addition to the coveted pure-gold cup, Mr. Gore takes home 150,000 more pledged carbon credits from bullied nations of the world, a brand new washer/dryer, courtesy of General Electric and a weekend of drunken debauchery with Ruby the Heartstealer at the U.N. Hotel of his choice. 

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