City and county police blotters for
 June 10-17, 2013

June 10. City dispatchers received a call from 1700 Houser Street, where a man said his remote control and TV Guide had been stolen. Before a cruiser could reach the home, the man called back to say the thief had brought the items back and placed them under the edge of his recliner cushion.

June 10. City police were contacted by a woman at the Hilldale Strip Mall, who said a male vendor was soliciting underage girls. Upon arrival officers discovered the vendor in question was female and she was offering free samples of bratswurst. 

June 11. Beaver Valley Police station responded to a call at 14 Fitzsimmons Street, where a woman told officers a huge fish with a face and teeth like a man's was swimming in her toilet bowl. On examining the bowl, the officers failed to find a fish, although they reported finding a quantity of marble-sized opaque orbs they believe may have been eggs.

June 11. A man calling from Eisenhower street reached the city's 9-1-1 and complained his car had just been washed and waxed by an unknown individual and without his permission.

June 12. A woman on Brock Circle reported to the Sheriff's office that someone had been barking at her dog for several hours. Sheriff's deputies did not hear any barking from either a perpetrator or a dog when they arrived. The deputies say they detected the smell of alcohol on the woman and advised her to drink coffee or take a nap.

June 12. Sheriff's deputies responded to a report of a theft at the Gloombury Laboratories, where officials said a rare and "probably priceless" fish had been removed from the facility's chemical testing hatchery. The deputies found no signs of forced entry, only a decapitated guard dog near the overflow filter cap in the hatchery floor.

June 12. A city dispatcher reported that someone called asking if she was "aware of the path to hell?". The dispatcher says she provided the caller succinct but explicit directions.

June 13. Sheriff's deputy, Dwayne MacIntosh, responded to a call from Apt. 5b, West Willow Road, where an elderly man said someone had moved his furniture while he was gone. After taking statements from local witnesses, MacIntosh escorted the man to his actual apartment at Apt. 5a West Willow Road and helped him locate his glasses.

June 13. City police responded to a call at 115 Oak Street from a woman who said she witnessed neighbor children string up a cat and beat it with a stick, so fiercely "its guts were flying out.". On going over to the neighbors' home the police discovered the cat was a piñata.

June 14. City officers were called to Percy's Sports Bar around 9:15 when someone identifying themself as the "Widow Martin" called to report her husband's lifeless body was being kept hostage by other patrons. On arrival the officers discovered that Mr. Martin was drinking vodka while watching a boxing match with friends. The officers informed Mrs. Martin that her husband wasn't dead, just incredibly glassy-eyed, smelly and interested in the match.

June 15. Officer Nicole Winston responded to an emergency call at 18 Fitzsimmons Street, when a man called to say his ten-year old son had been sucked down the shower drain. Upon investigating the scene Winston found that the plumbing of the shower had busted inward and the ceramic tub and tile molding had been shattered. No evidence of the boy was found. A full investigation into the boy's whereabouts is still going on.

June 15. City officers were called to the Boys Club, after a coach was knocked unconscious by a flying horseshoe. By the time the officers arrived the man was sitting up, but refused medical treatment. A Tennessee Walker grazing in the adjacent field was given a citation by the officers for reckless trotting.

June 16. Sheriff's deputies were summoned to the Civic Auditorium after receiving a call that someone was causing a disturbance at the Star Trek convention going on. When they arrived several people said someone was going around dressed as Jabba the Hut and that "this annoys people". The deputies located the individual at the snack bar. It turned out he had simply confused the dates of the Star Trek convention day with the Michael Moore look-alike contest of the previous week. The man left after paying for the twenty-five boxes of Junior Mints he had just ordered.

June 16. A city dispatcher reported that a young man called to ask if solving a Rubik's Cube in 27 seconds would get him into the Guinness Book of World Records. The dispatcher advised the caller to contact the Guinness people and ask.

June 17. Sheriff's deputy, Timothy Long, was driving through Maynard Hollow around 1AM when he spotted two children at the edge of Lover's Leap. Long said he stopped the cruiser, got out and approached the children. Upon asking them to carefully step away from the cliff the children began to cry, saying their parents had been arguing and pushed each other off. The parents' bodies were recovered a few hours later.

June 17. City police responded to an urgent call at the Jim Morrison Memorial Park, where park-goers informed them a German Shepard had been carried off by a "weird fish-man thing". According to the witnesses the dog was drinking from the fountain pool when the fish-man thing jumped out of the water and caught the dog's head in its large mouth. The witnesses say they attempted to recover the dog but the fish-man thing leaped away on its "fin-feet" and disappeared down a culvert opening, taking the German Shepard with it. The officers called in city street maintenance for assistance, but no trace of the dog has been found.