Beaver Valley Classifieds

For sale

Real Estate

Historic and beautiful turn-of-the-century Victorian. Three bedrooms, two bath house in town and looks brand new! Comes with attached garage, large tool shed, swimming pool and a year's worth of coupons from Father Tom's Exorcism Service. $100,000 Call Brenda T. today for an appointment 1-800-MST-SELL

Home with breathtaking lake view on 100x20 property. QUAINT and CLEAN AS A (soiled diaper) PIN! 2 bed, 1/2 bath with combination kitchen/closet. Lovely Berber carpet(-type old, trampled shag) throughout. Antique light fixtures (candles), A/C (gaping hole in roof). Adjacent building (refrigerator crate) could be turned into a storage garage or man-cave (once the weasels are exterminated). Taking offers now, contact desperate@ RidMax.bv

Rentals
Very nice 2011 tree house. Amenities include tv set, two sleeping bags, newspaper wallpaper, Adventure Time poster, popcorn maker, plastic tea jug that can be used as a toilet. No pets other than squirrels and ABSOLUTELY no girls. $35 a month, $10 deposit, references required. Call Andy at 555-8042 before 8PM or after that to speak to my Daddy.

Automobiles/vehicles

FOR SALE
1999 black Presidential Continental limousine, with wet bar, zebra upholstery, television, condom vending machine, ceiling mirror and miniature hot tub. Good condition. Call Hillary at 1-800-NXT-PREZ and make an offer.

2008 Toyota Highlander, dark blue, with original brakes, engine, transmission and spark plugs. Only driven once. Will trade for reliable wheelchair or new hip replacement. Contact Greg at stillhurting@ invalidsforlife.us

2010 Dodge Durango, metallic grey. Front bumper has slight dint, upholstering and floor boards have a few stains. New paint job almost conceals bullet holes on driver's door. Smell coming from trunk is easily camouflaged with Glade or cologne. Call 555-6109
and ask for One-Eyed Lou or Bonecrusher to make an offer.

SEEKING TO BUY
Pink dump truck with cute tires, clean windows and blonde male driver with no genitalia. Contact Barbie with offers playwithme @noclue.ca

Livestock/Pets
Stud Hereford bull, 7 years old. Will fetch, catch a frisbie and likes his tummy rubbed. $2,400 555-6093

Registered hunting and attack sloths. Males $150, females $100. Call Curt at 555-1200

Adorable Free Kittens, 3 males, 4 females, multiple-headed and cute as buttons. Contact Karri at kharris35 @homegrownoddshit.com

Purebred seamonkeys, with AKC papers. $225 for studs, $200 for females, $30 for unknown. Contact Jenny at 555-2290

Husband/wife team offering several professionally trained service animals:
Tarantula, male, black and brown, trained to lead the blind, goes by the name "Buck", $235
Colorado Sidewinder, red, beige and black, good with the elderly, $500
Fully-trained and licensed home-protection Hamsters. Several to choose from, will kill on command.$600
samandmary@ meancritters.us

MIL, 68, spayed, answers to the name "Hey You". House-trained, good with children, likes her ears scratched. Will sell $400 or trade for flatscreen TV. Call Daryl at 555-2343 after 5PM

Appliance/Household items

For sale or trade
1919-circa Nicola Tesla combination washer/dryer/clock/radio/submarine/soda dispenser $200 Call Jack R. at 555-2244

Self-cleaning boyfriend, slightly used, fair condition. Will trade for removing his stuff with my house. Karla92 @tradetoolz.net

Justin Bieber spittle, sweat or pubes, well-kept in clean baby food jars. $12,000 apiece. Contact Selena at wannaprofit@ tradetoolz.net

Big mayo jar with neatly nailed holes in lid. Throw in grass and makes eco-friendly home for fireflies. $150 Call Caleb at 555-0981

Original Maxwell House Coffee canister with plastic lid. Makes ideal storage facility for nails and other small items. $230 Call Caleb at 555-0981

10 lbs. uncooked pasta. Perforate and string together to make impressive jewelry. $299 Call Caleb at 555-0981

Bathroom microwave oven with turn-table, side book rack, top working b/w TV screen, front loading toilet tissue dispenser. Good condition. $300 555-5452

*FREE TO GOOD CARNIVAL SIDE-SHOW!* Man-eating Maytag dryer. I can't keep this thing but hate to have it put down. Interested parties email Glen78@ scaredshitless.net

Employment opportunities

Professional

The Beaver Valley Seniors Club has an opening for a bouncer. Applicants must be able to pass a drug test and have experience in tossing the elderly. Apply in person at 41 Jake LaMotta Drive.

Immediate opening for DENTAL ASSISTANT. Must have at least 1 month of experience. We also have an opening for an experienced gold and diamond dealer, janitor and a grave digger. Apply in person at the BVO Friendly Family Dentistry Office, 200 West Berlin Avenue.

Private LPN or RN required immediately. Responsibilities include bathing, dressing, feeding and other activities for single patient. Consideration will only be given to experienced professional women with no known allergic reactions to wearing white latex brassieres. Call to schedule private interview at 555-6996

Now hiring three experienced OTR drivers for delivery of medical, chemical, biological and genetic material. Applicants must be willing to undergo drug test, background check and hypnosis. Preference given to individuals with no living relatives. Apply in person at Gloombury Pharmaceutical Warehouse at 1600 Mengele Street. 

General help wanted
The Mountain Steer Steak House has an opening for an individual to come in twice a day, eat a meal and excitedly hail loud enough for everyone to hear that our culinary delights are the food of the gods. Pays minimum wage, all you can eat and a yearly bonus if you will post daily favorable and creative reviews at our website. Applications being taken at The Mountain Steer Steak House on Bouzaglo Drive.

Eat Yourself Skinny and get paid for it! I pay big money to see people eat their own flesh, organs and/or limbs.. $400 per hour, plus overtime. Send photos and resume to [email protected]

Destructive-Bitch-o-Gram needs two bitches to deliver clients' ultimatums/messages. Pays $20 an hour, plus medical and dental. Must be over 18, have experience in keying and criminal trespassing, and willing to sign an indemnity clause. Apply in person at 807 Meencunt Street.

Looking for an individual that resembles Paula Deen to appear in an educational video titled, "How To Persecute Crackers". $15/hour. Interested applicants should have some experience in acting and unafraid of being chained, crucified and stoned on film. Apply in person at MSNBC Beaver Valley Affiliate Studio at 25 Chris Matthews Circle.

EARN $ WORKING AT HOME!!! Opportunity of a lifetime for individuals willing to work from home and report on neighbors, friends and family that have attempted to disable their smart meters or have installed private generators. Starting salary begins at $100K a year, with full medical, dental and three weeks paid vacation. Applicants must be at least look 18 years of age, at least a part-time resident of the U.S. and willing to be silenced at any cost if word gets out. APPLY TODAY and start serving your government tomorrow!! wazzup@ GEluvsFed.us

Seeking Employment
Will work for good browbeating. Contact Manny W. at 555-7776

I am offering my services as a housekeeper to pay for my husband's urgently needed heart surgery. I don't do windows, clean toilets, dust, take out trash, cook or make beds and I smell very badly. I also have been thrown out of several stores on suspicion of shoplifting. Interested parties may call 555-7707 and ask for Reverend Killbate's wife. And yeah, please hurry.

Veteran of war on Wall Street seeks job where I can use my experience in tent pitching or abstract excrement painting. Ask for Jason at 555-0213.

Lost and found

MISSING dog, small breed, silver hair. Last seen on Boardwalk in company of small silver race car. REWARD of my ten dollars beauty pageant winnings.
Contact littlehatguy@ greedmeister.net

Missing Mustang. Brown and white, white walls. Last seen carrying my girlfriend to her accountant's office on Backdoor St. REWARD for any info 555-0024

FOUND: large fish, hazel coloring, with humanoid face, teeth and fin-feet. It is presently occupying my fish pond but getting larger by the day and has ferocious appetite. If this pet is yours please come by and take the damned thing home! 114 Pink Floyd Drive.

Personals

47 D/W/M, likes bowling, billiards and 80's punk music, seeks companionship with woman that enjoys cleaning gutters and basements and making sandwiches. Contact Trey at BO PO#224

27 S/B/F enjoys Skype, Twitter, FB and interactive video games, seeks hot Amish male to carry me away from all this on his sexy buggy! Contact Dalinda at BV PO #5050

18 S/W/M, enjoys volunteer work, exercising and photography seeks attractive 36+ cougars that enjoy the same. Lang W. at BV PO #981

568 S/W/F, likes moonlit walks, seeks males tired of life and want to end it with an erotic bang. Contact Gabriella at BV PO #1369