Upcoming Community events
July 1-3 The Beaver Valley chapter of Daughters of the Revolutionary War will stage their original play, Fifty Shades of Earl Grey Tea. 9PM each night at the Dolly Madison Theater. Proceeds to fund a trip to Monticello.
July 2-4. The Beaver Valley chapter of Daughters of The Disenfranchised Native Americans will stage their original play, Screw Columbus!. Show begins 8PM each night at Luigi's All-U-Can-Eat Spaghetti Buffet Theater. Proceeds to go toward buying the group a new cappuccino machine.
July 4. The Beaver Valley chapter of Daughters of the Russian Revolution will hold a Support Obama cook-out, followed by a torching of the Constitution-in-Effigy. Begins 7PM at the St. Michael Moore Church & Lounge. Open to the public and paid for by the county's remaining Stimulus grants.
July 4. The Beaver Valley chapter of the National Rifle Association will hold a shot gun and pistol competition, followed by hot dog roast and fireworks display. Proceeds will go to fund a pilgrimage to the Nuclear Facility in Oak Ridge, Tennessee. Begins 6PM at the parking lot behind Abe's Wholesale Oxygen Tanks.
July 15. The Society of Disgruntled People will meet for a dinner-and-bitching recruitment meeting. Begins 6PM at The Mystery Meat Cafeteria.
July 21. The Mute Opera Singers League will hold a mouth-along, followed by ice cream. Begins 8PM at the Swan Song Opera House.
July 27. The Doctor Who Society will meet for a Share-best-memes competition, followed by a model TARDIS competition. 7-11Pm at Wayne's Internet Cafe.
July 27. The Fans of Dr. Gregory House will meet to bitch-slap the Doctor Who Society and smash the model TARDIS entries with canes. Hosted by Wayne of Wayne's Internet Cafe: begins at 7PM.
Upcoming Church events
The Devotees of Jodi Arias Temple will hold a mass prayer, weeping and gnashing of teeth over the injustices shown to Jodi. Kool-aid to be served afterward. Begins 12 PM, July 5 at the Guyana Pavilion.
The First Church of Metal Jesus is looking for a replacement lead guitarist for the choir. Pastor Osbourne is taking auditions at his garage between 7PM-4AM every day.
The Road to Salvation Holiness Pentecostal Church is asking for donations of fire extinguishers, smoke alarms and an oven for their new church. Donations may be dropped off at the church's under-construction site at 115 Shiloh Avenue.
The Muslims For Universal Love Mosque of Beaver Valley formerly announces it wants the federal government to stop antagonizing the community by misrepresenting it as a discriminated-against entity. The church also asks Allah to spread his blessings on everyone.
The Howard, Howard and Fine Synagogue will hold an eye-gouging competition, followed by a pie-throwing party. Open to the public, July 9. Begins at 4PM.
The Psychic Vampires of Beaver Valley Church will host an open-house potluck dinner on July 12, 7PM.Bring your own food and plenty of pity or just stay away, you self-righteous, lucky ass bastards.
The St. Michelle Obama of Fasting Innocents Church will hold a Botox and bleaching products fair, July 25-28. Proceeds will go toward purchasing a birthday gift for the First Lady to present to the President. Begins 2PM.
The Apostles of Facebook Church invites members to post their humiliating, laughable photographs and share their most confidential private information with Facebook. Now through forever.