Ada May Crumpley, 94, resident of the Beaver Valley Retired Prostitute's Home. Miss Crumpley died peaceably Wednesday following a short ride from another resident. A native of Beaver Valley all her life, Miss Crumpley was preceded in death by her brother and common-law husband, Willard Crumpley. Survivors include a son, Darrin Crumpley and his wife, Michelle "Bouncy" Crumpley, two grandchildren, Wesley and Violet, and one great-grandchild, Wizzer. Viewing of the body will be held between 4-6PM Friday at Doug's Brothel on Gap Hole Road, and Miss Crumpley will be buried Saturday at 11AM at the adjacent Moaning Hills Cemetery. The family asks for live entertainment in lieu of flowers.
Billy Bob Fergus McGee, 39, of Copperhead Road. Mr. McGee died peaceably in his vehicle Tuesday night after a lengthy drive to the package store. Mr. McGee was owner of the Downhome Bar & Grill and a deacon of the St. Jim Beam Church. Survivors include his wife, Thelma, their sons, Jack Daniels and Johnnie Walker, a daughter, Mai Tai, and fourteen beagles. The Captain Morgan Funeral Home will have a viewing of the body on Friday between 2-4PM, followed by the funeral on the grounds of the old Beaver Valley Distillery at 5PM. BYOB.
Mina Allergone, 45, of Whiskers Road. Ms. Allergone died peaceably in her home Friday night after a brief bout of asthma. Born and raised in Beaver Valley, Ms. Allergone was employed as a self-employed accountant and animal walker. She was preceded in death by 225 cats. Survivors include 88 cats. Her remains have been taken to the Ford's Cremation Service, and are scheduled to be scooped Saturday by city maintenance and then deposited over a 2013 Ferrari belonging to the man that broke her heart in 1993.